How to lose many small chunks of your prostate

Prostate biopsys are easy.  All you have to do is lie back in the most undignified position imaginable and let a doctor stab you multiple times in the perineum.  Great fun. 

They do at least give you a local anaesthetic. 

In my case, I was booked in for 08:30am on a Monday morning.  They suggest that you might not want to drive yourself home afterwards so DevotedWife™ stepped in to provide transport.  Top tip: do read the whole of the invitation in advance, because although page 1 says 08:30, page 2 says “please arrive 10 minutes early so that you can be booked in”.  So that’s an 08:20 appointment, surely?  But I get there for 8am anyway, because I like sitting in empty hospital waiting rooms (apparently). 

When it’s time, a lovely lady invites you to pop into a very non-threatening room to get changed into a fetching little number, clearly designed to allow full access to everything of interest for an attentive lover, a determined dominatrix, a skilled urologist, or any combination of these.  Sitting there and looking around reveals a reassuring absence of sharp-looking things.  Then the connecting door to the adjacent room opens, to reveal (a) a doctor and (b) a large and imposing Chair of Access with a range of Sharp Pointy Things arranged on a convenient nearby table.  Oh. 

The doctor pops in to say hello, introduce himself, quickly run through all the things that might go wrong, and ask me to sign the form saying I’m totally fine with this and won’t report him to the Police for assault.  He’s a bit brusque and businesslike but clearly knows what he’s doing.  I’m actually happier with this than with the ‘chatty and relaxed’ option.  He invites me into the next room, where a friendly nurse helps me into the Chair of Access.  It has nice footrests.  And straps to hold my legs in place… hmmm. 

The Chair of Access is electrically adjustable!  It’s not forward/backward like my car seat, more a case of tilt me back, and lift both legs up and apart.  This gives me the chance to (a) check the ceiling tiles are all straight and uniform and (b) try to think whether there is a less dignified position that I could possibly get into.  In case you’re wondering, (a) yes (b) no. 

I’d heard of boob tape before, but I’ve never come across the use of tape to lift and support gentlemen’s dangly bits.  Well, I guess you learn something every day.  Top tip for gents going through this in future – shave!

Glad as I was to be given plenty of anaesthetic, it did seem to need many, many needles, starting with the surface layer and getting steadily deeper.  Gently does it, I guess.

The procedure is described as “ultrasound-guided”.  That raises the delicate question of where the ultrasound probe goes.  Yes, that large, long ultrasound probe over there.  I’ll leave that to you to work out.  Let’s just say the anaesthetic is going to help. 

Then comes the biopsy needle; thankfully the anaesthetic helped again.  The most disconcerting bit is that the sample collection mechanism makes a loud CLICK! when they use it.  Think along the lines of those huge office staplers – it sounds just like one of those.  Don’t think about someone stapling your nether regions together though, that doesn’t help.  Thoughtfully, the doctor held it up and demonstrated the noise before he started – that did provide reassurance that the noise was not a problem, but it did also show me how long and thick the needle is.  Oh well, swings and roundabouts.

I swear, they took so many samples that I was beginning to think they had decided my prostate was just enlarged, so the best thing to do would be to remove as much as they could.  The eventual report said they took 7 samples but I’m sure I counted 861.  I was a bit distracted by the fascinating ceiling tiles, though, so I may have lost count. 

The doctor then gave me a quick clean (I didn’t want to know the gory details…) and said that he was just going to spray on a bit of antiseptic cleanser to help me recover, adding that it might sting.  That sounded like a good idea.  Now, if you’ve seen Home Alone, there’s a scene where young Kevin applies aftershave for the first time:

 Now imagine that, but at the other end. 

Anyhow, once I’d stopped clenching they put the Chair of Access back down and let me waddle back into the original room, where what can only be described as a big fluffy nappy was helpfully provided for me to sit on.  Gents – wear briefs, not boxers, you’ll want that to stay in place.  A coffee and a biscuit arrived and although I’ve had better coffee, it was welcome. 

Also waiting for me was a letter with my appointment for the results – a reassuring touch. 

Then, all I had to do was wait 2½ weeks.